Once I got lost in my own house
by Ceillean
Summary: A Jedi deals with his inner self -- deals with his darkness


Once I got lost in my own house. I was frightened to such an extent that my entire body shook with every wavering step I took. I kept looking around for a light to guide me to the outside, but there was only palpable darkness that was left for me to grasp.

My feet thudded along worn out splintering wooden floorboards as I reached out in hope to find a wall to guide myself through whatever room I was in. But it seemed it was a futile endeavor – I walked and walked and walked and never did I reach something solid to hold on to. There was only darkness and an unending emptiness.

I stopped and took a shuddering breath, my arms hanging at my sides as my inner fear grew, as hope seemed to flit away never to return. I turned around, knowing my eyes were open wide but I saw nothing. I heard nothing. There was nothing.

Trying to control growing anxiety I closed my eyes and reached out to the Force with all my senses, drawing the energy of all life towards me, letting it envelope me like a warm blanket that would block out all my fears.

But the moment I touched the Force I felt a ripple within the darkness around me and suddenly I did see something. I couldn't place it but for a moment I thought some _thing_ had extracted itself from the dark cloth that was beginning to choke me – the air grew thicker, warmer.

I forced myself to walk on, all the while feeling this darkness following me. It held my pace as I quickened my steps until I started to run as fast as I could. In the back of my mind I wondered how long it would take until I ran up against a wall within this old, cold house but nothing happened. I just kept running until my legs burned from exertion, until my breath came in ragged gasps and my lungs were aflame with red hot fire.

I leaned over, placing my hands on my knees to catch my breath. The darkness had stopped as if waiting for me to go on. I thought I heard it laugh, I thought I heard it snicker behind my back, taunting me for being weak, making fun of me for giving up.

I had given up long ago. So long ago I could hardly remember. But the darkness knew me – it knew my past, it new my present and it knew my future. The darkness knew me completely – better than even I knew myself.

And so it laughed, a silent chuckling at first, growing louder until the wretched sound boomed through my head.

I slapped my hands to me ears, using the Force to try and dampen the laugh but nothing worked. It grew louder and louder until I fell to my knees in pain and screamed at the top of my lungs for everything to stop. I wanted the darkness to stop laughing; I wanted this never ending house to show me to the door to the outside. To my freedom.

But there was only the sound of laughter, a deep drawling sound that suddenly shook the walls. The floorboards beneath my knees shuddered, I felt dust and grim trickle down from above as the entire house shook with such force, and it felt like it would collapse in on itself. The shaking and quaking went on for long minutes until suddenly I glimpsed a small beam of beautiful white light. And the laughing ceased.

I got back to my feet and stared at the white light coming from a few meters in front of me. As if it came through a whole, it grew wider – I could have stepped through without having to duck. But where would it lead me? Would I finally be free of this ongoing maze of torturing darkness? Of hopelessness and grief, failure and contempt?

I took my first step towards the beautiful white light, feeling its sudden warmth seep through my skin, through muscle and bone. But as I walked on, the darkness followed. It seemed it didn't care about the light, it stuck to me so and it kept my pace. A dark cloud looming behind me, watching my every move.

Long minutes passed by until I finally reached what looked like a large whole ripped into the fabric of the darkness. Without another thought I stepped through and suddenly found myself standing on a grassy slope, wind howling around me, twirling leaves and debris in the air.

I was confused. The opening had disappeared but the darkness had followed me. Now standing below a beautiful yellow sun I could see the darkness as a being. To my eyes it seemed blurry and for a moment I thought I saw a man. The darkness chuckled once more and I decided to ignore it for the time being.

I was out of the house. But I had no idea where I was now.

I kept walking up the slope, watching as colorful birds flew by overhead, as puffy white clouds were moved by the fierce wind. I drew my robes around me tightly as my legs kept walking to no particular destination. Wherever this place was, it was very beautiful.

Then I heard laughter again. I felt fear well itself up inside me but after a moment I realized it was not the laughter of darkness. It was the laughter of an innocent child, a sweet sound coming from nearby.

I hurried my steps, my boots crunching on the soft green grass. I caught sight of a little boy running around a large tree, its leaves dancing with the wind. The boy glanced up and laughed again, the sound warming my heart. Something felt eerily familiar about this scene and when I got closer, I felt like my heart would jump through my chest.

I saw my mother leaning against the large tree, smiling at the boy as she talked with him. And then I remembered. I remembered my mother telling me grand stories of the Jedi as warriors. I remembered my mother telling me about my father, about my grandfather and my uncles – a long line of Jedi Knights throughout history.

I was seeing myself as a child.

And then the darkness laughed again. It chilled me from within as I glanced around – the darkness hovered in front of me and again I thought I saw the shape of a man. The laugh grew louder within my head but this time I could hear whispering words as well.

_You've failed your family. You are the only one._

I stumbled backwards at the words and shook my head, "No."

The darkness laughed again, the sound growing louder, piercing at the back of my eyes. And suddenly the beautiful plateau of green grass vanished and I saw the war.

The Yuuzhan-Vong war in which so many had lost their lives. Including my father. I was so young when he died and throughout the years I caught myself wondering if I would have led my own life differently if he would have survived. He had been an honorable man, my mother used to say. And he'd given his life freely to help those who needed his help. He was the man I so longed to be.

I closed my eyes as screams of anguished crashed into my mind. I tried dampening the voices with the Force but still they were there, still I felt them die. I was standing on a field of the dead. Yuuzhan Vong warriors trailed the premises, their hideous amphistaffs wrapped around their tattooed wrists. They spoke in their guttural language and I felt shivers run through me.

"Why am I here?" I whispered as I watched one of the warriors straighten to his full height, the amphistaff uncoiling from his arm. With a swift stroke the warrior had pierced a body lying at his feet. But the being was already dead. I could feel it, I could see it. And still the warrior went on, piercing the dead again and again. I could hardly watch.

_You can change this._

"This is history." I whispered, "No one can change history."

_You're father changed history._

"My father is dead." I said with a stern voice. I hated being reminded of my father, I hated being compared to him. I am not my father, nor will I ever be.

The darkness laughed and I closed my eyes, my jaw clenched. "Stop this."

_Why?_

It laughed, taunting me as it swirled above my head. I heard the crunching and oozing sound of the staffs penetrating soft flesh, I heard the light laughter of darkness around me. I heard my ragged breath, my beating heart as fear tried to grip me from within.

"Stop this!" I bellowed, the laughter growing louder.

_Why?_

I felt a sudden tug and I was thrown to the ground. My breath shot out in a huff and I realized I was somewhere else entirely. The smell of scorched flesh was no more, I couldn't hear the Yuuzhan Vong anymore – there was peace. So I thought.

I took a long look around and found myself on a graveyard. With a sickening feeling in my stomach I got to my feet slowly, a large grey tomb suddenly catching my eye.

The darkness was behind me and when I whirled around I frowned. There was definitely a man behind the darkness but I couldn't recognize him. But he seemed familiar, even that cold laugh he emitted yet again.

_Take a long look._

And I did. And I fell to my knees.

I was kneeling before my own tomb, a large grey and silver slab of rock, decorated only with golden letters that spelled out my name. And the day of my death.

I swallowed the lump that was forming in my throat and shook my head, "This can't be."

_You are the only one._

"I am the only one what?" I spat as I got to my feet and whirled around. But the darkness was gone suddenly and I shouted out, "What the hell is this?"

_You are the only one of the family to turn dark._

I stepped back at the remark but said nothing. Yes, I had turned to the dark side. It was the one failure I wished to undo with all my heart.

_You're father would be so very proud of you._

The mocking tone of voice brought me to the peak of fear and anger and I shouted, I yelled. I unclipped my lightsaber from my belt, thumbing on the golden blade. Without giving it more than one thought, I lashed out at the tombstone, slicing the rock in two halves.

And then everything was gone. And I found myself back in the cold, old house with splintered floorboards. A small lamp was lit and the darkness that had followed me everywhere sat in an old armchair, its leg crossing the knee and it smiled at me.

And I recognized the darkness to be me.

I was staring into my own face – I was staring into the darkness.

"This can't be."

It laughed and slowly got to its feet, "But it is. You are me and I am you."

"No!"

It came nearer and circled me, all the while keeping its arms crossed in front of its chest, "You must face that we are both the same person. If you do not you will die."

"No. I will never return to the dark."

It stopped behind me and I turned around, backing up a step as I gazed into its golden eyes, flecked with red.

"You don't have to return to the dark." It said with a soft voice, "But you mustn't run away. You will _die_ if you do not face me."

"I will not –"

"_You will die_."

I heard another voice then, a soft voice laced with worry, calling to me. It took me a moment to realize it was the voice of my wife and I frowned. She wasn't with me. Where was the voice coming from?

"You have to make a choice." The darkness with my face said, standing in front of me, "The time is now. Face me or die."

"I will not die."

I heard my wife's voice yet again and I could have sworn I felt her light touch on my face.

"Then embrace me." The darkness said and I stepped away in shock.

"No! Never!"

"Do you not understand?" the darkness shouted coming closer, "Do you want to die? Do you want to become one with the Force like your father? Do you want to leave your wife and son behind?" The darkness smiled a thin evil smile, "Do you want your son to become what you are today? A broken man without hope?"

I shook my head adamantly and swallowed. I heard my wife's soft voice beckoning me to return to her.

"Then embrace me. Embrace the darkness. Know that the darkness is within you as well as the light. You and I are one."

I couldn't do it. I could never return to the darkness that had almost destroyed everything I had ever lived for. But I heard my wife sob for me, I heard my son shouting my name. I couldn't leave them behind like my father had left me.

"Embrace me." The darkness said yet again.

Tears of fear welled up in my eyes and I clenched my jaw shut. My family was waiting for me – I had no choice.

I spread my arms and took two steps forward, embracing the darkness with my face, pulling it firmly against my body. There was a feeling as if the two of us were merging into one being.

The house around me began to quake again, dust and grime falling from the ceiling above. There was a sudden flash of blinding white light and then a clear and silent nothingness.

"He's awake!" I heard someone say and then I felt warm fingers caress my face, warm lips pressing against mine.

"You've come back to me."

My wife.

I opened my eyes and blinked a few times before I could focus on her beautiful features. I had come back, yes. I had embraced the dark side of me, I had become one with it. Would I be able to fight it if it ever arose? I didn't know and still I do not.

Once I got lost in my own house. Once I got lost in my own mind.


End file.
